The Psychology Behind Narcissists’ Pretense of Busyness

Narcissists often create the appearance of being busy for several reasons. This behavior, which is closely tied to the underlying insecurities and need for validation that often characterize narcissistic personalities, serves multiple purposes. Understanding why they do this is key to understanding their more manipulative and controlling behaviors.

Self-Importance

By portraying themselves as busy, narcissists convey the message that their time is valuable and they are in high demand. This reinforces their self-image as important and successful, which is a core element of their narcissistic personality. When they say they are busy, they are essentially saying, “My time is valuable, and I am important; you should recognize this.”

Avoidance of Responsibility

Narcissists often deflect attention from their shortcomings or failures by claiming to be busy. They use this as a way to avoid accountability for their actions or decisions. By asserting that they are too busy to deal with responsibilities or issues, they can sidestep the need to face up to their mistakes. This serves to protect their image and maintain their sense of control.

Manipulation

The facade of being busy is also a tool for manipulation. Narcissists may use it to control how others perceive them, generating sympathy or admiration. By creating an image of busyness, they can manipulate others into feeling valued or important, or to stay away if they want to. This can also serve to keep people at a distance or to manipulate situations to their advantage. When others see them as busy, they are less likely to push for attention or engagement, which fits with the narcissist’s goal of controlling the narrative.

Fear of Intimacy

Being overly busy can serve as a barrier to deeper connections. Narcissists may fear vulnerability or emotional intimacy, so they fill their time with superficial activities. This keeps them from forming deep, meaningful relationships because they can’t handle the potential for emotional exposure. By staying busy, they can avoid the risks and discomfort of genuine connection.

Overall Motivation

Overall, this behavior is closely tied to the underlying insecurities and need for validation that often characterize narcissistic personalities. The pretense of busyness is part of their strategy to manage others and control situations to suit their desires.

Understanding why narcissists act this way is crucial. Everything they do is about control: control over you, your thoughts, and your emotions. For example, if you can’t see the narcissist because they are “busy,” they are controlling you. Initially, you might feel sad, but as this happens repeatedly, you might start to feel angry. This anger is a result of the narcissist’s manipulation and control. They are choosing when and how you can interact with them, exerting their control over your life.

Furthermore, a narcissist cannot stand doing nothing. So, even when they say they are busy, it's not a lie – they are busy with using other people as substitutes. This is why you should view their lack of time for you as a good thing. You are the lucky one who has avoided their manipulations.

Another common tactic is to cancel plans on you. They might give a nonsensical reason for canceling, such as their cat dying, suddenly having the worst headache, or a friend dropping by. These are all superficial excuses to control your interactions with them. The best course of action is to consider going no contact if possible.

The Bottom Line

The behavior of a narcissist claiming to be busy is a complex interplay of their need for control and their insecurities. Recognizing this can help you navigate these interactions more effectively and protect yourself from their manipulative tendencies.